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January 8/2000

I'm walking. Alone... it's crowded. It's confusing. it's messy. And then I see him. Like a ray of hope in a dark tunnel. But he doesn't see me. He doesn't notice me. I pass him. And I am electrified. And I feel my head grow light. And he is gone. I turn my head. Hoping that he will look into my eyes again. But he just walks away. I am devastated. I give up, and turn away. But as I turn my head, I notice out of the corner of my eye his head turning. He looks back, as if there was something familiar that he had come across. And he sees my head as it slowly turns away. I see a hint of dissapointment wash over his face, the same dissapontment on my face. The crowd pushes me to move on. And yet again I am lost. Alone.

How do they do it? How do they live with themselves? I don't want to live with myself. I want to leave. I want to be gone. I want to die. To stop hearing. To stop breathing. And for my heart to stop beating. How does ******* handle it all? How does ****** do it? *****? They don't know how bad it is. No one knows. No one knows how I feel about myself. They think one thing, but they are wrong. I want to tell somone of my problems. Of how much I hate myself. How I hate my face, my reflection. My personality. My family. my life. Myself. But they don't care. I know they don't. Because I don't care anymore. If I was gone tomorrow, no one would notice. Not a single soul. And i would be gone. And I would be happy. It's that simple. If I told them, they would worry. I don't want them to worry. They deserve to be happy. I deserve nothing. This is punishment. this is my fault. My wrongdoings. My selfishness, my shame, my guilt, my irresponsibilities. I am wrong. I am a mistake. Someone else could take my place. I am useless to this world. This world is useless to me. There is no need for me. There is no care for me. Ssomone else, someone else could do so much better. Someone else important. Not me. I never was important. I never was a good friend. I never was caring. I am cold, and bitter, cruel and deceitful. It is wrong for me to be alive today. But I am no longer alive. Never was. Never will be. This is justice. This is fate. The is my greatest unwanted. This is punishment.