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July 31/2000

I go to sleep everynight hoping that I don't wake up. And yet, I still wake. I realized today that I cannot sleep with light and warmth contantly interrupting me. Sleep is supposed to be a silent, peaceful, forgiving thing. I can sleep forever in darkness and cold. I can embrace sleep in darkness and cold. But the sun insists on rising everyday, and waking me up with discomfort and sweat. The strongest nightmares are always accompanied with the stongest rays. The hottest tears are always accompanies by the hottest temperatures. I try to block out the sun, but it never works, the heat only radiates more. My body is always sore from shifting away from the merciless light and heat.

Dammit...the computer screen is always so bright. Reduce the contrast. Reduce the brightness. Still. It makes my eyes sore. But I still want to stare into it.

I'm so scared of drawing. I'm afraid that something wrong will come out. And they will look at me and and go "Oh, we've got to send her away." "Oh, she's a danger." "Oh, she's crazy." I'm scared, but I can't draw anything happy. I don't know happy. How am I supposed to express it? All I know is dark, so it is the only thing I know how to draw. I'd love to be open of those who "can't draw" right now.